⚠️ PARODY / SATIRE — This is a joke website. Not affiliated with any real organization. ⚠️
Because Therapy Was Too Affordable™

Starting at just $10,000 — Enlightenment sold separately

Join Now (Credit Cards Accepted)

* By clicking you agree to donate your savings, car, and firstborn. Results may vary. Xenu not included.

Our Exclusive "Spiritual" Levels

Unlock the truth™ — one five-figure payment at a time

Operating Spiritron I
$3,000
Learn that you have a soul! Mind-blowing stuff. Worth every penny of three grand.
POPULAR
Operating Spiritron III
$25,000
FINALLY learn about Zenu, the galactic overlord who blew up volcanoes 75 million years ago. You'll never guess what the volcanoes have to do with your mild anxiety.
Operating Spiritron VIII
$500,000+
Achieve total freedom™! You will become so enlightened you won't even notice you're broke.
The "Cleanse"
Your Car
Have all your negative thoughts removed via a device that's basically a fancy lie detector with a dial. Very scientific. Do not ask questions.
✦ ✦ ✦

Our Core Beliefs (Abridged)

The S-Meter™

Our patented spiritual voltmeter will scan your soul for "engrams" — basically bad memories — by having you hold two tin cans. The needle moves when you think sad thoughts. This is either quantum science or a party trick. We at Scientologys charge $4,000 for a session to find out.

Psychiatry Is Evil

Don't trust doctors with actual degrees and peer-reviewed research. Trust us — Scientologys, a belief system founded by a science fiction author in 1954 — instead. We have a museum about how psychiatry is bad. Admission is free, but the gift shop starts at $800.

Zenu (Shhh, It's a Secret)

75 million years ago, the galactic overlord Zenu brought billions of people to Earth in DC-8 spaceships (very accurate to the 1950s), dropped them in volcanoes, and nuked them. Their souls ("spiritrons") are now stuck to you. Scientologys charges $25,000 to tell you this. You're welcome.

Disconnection Policy

If your family and friends think Scientologys is a scam, simply cut off all contact with them forever. This is healthy and normal. Do not Google "high control groups." Do not speak to a therapist. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200 (we already have it).

🚨 WARNING: If you are below Spiritron III, you are NOT supposed to know about Zenu. Please forget you read this. Or pay Scientologys $25,000 to process your confusion.
✦ ✦ ✦

What Our Members Say™

★★★★★
"I was skeptical at first, but after spending $150,000 over 12 years with Scientologys I can confirm I have achieved total spiritual freedom. Also I'm sleeping in my car, but that's unrelated."
— T. Cruise-Adjacent, Spiritron VII
★★★★★
"The volcano explanation for my depression was so much cheaper than antidepressants. (It was not cheaper than antidepressants.)"
— Jenny P., Cleanse™ Graduate
★★★★★
"I used to have friends and a savings account. Now I have neither, but I DO have a Scientologys certificate that says I'm spiritually free, which I have framed in my studio apartment."
— Dave M., Spiritron II, Enthusiastic
✦ ✦ ✦

Frequently Asked Questions

Is Scientologys a cult?
Absolutely not. It's a "church." There's a big difference — we have better branding. Also please don't call Scientologys a cult. Our lawyers are very well-funded, surprisingly.
Why does Scientologys cost so much money?
Enlightenment isn't free. Well, it sort of is, if you go to an actual therapist, or read a library book, or just go outside. But Scientologys enlightenment is very expensive, and that's what makes it special.
Can I leave Scientologys whenever I want?
Of course! You are totally free. We'll just need you to sign some documents, attend a few "exit interviews," and accept that your friends and family who remain members will never speak to you again. So... yes, totally free.
Did the founder of Scientologys really write science fiction?
L. Ron Hubard was a prolific science fiction author who once reportedly said "if a man really wanted to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion." He then started Scientologys. This is presented without further comment.
What's a Scientologys "auditing session"?
You hold two tin cans connected to a device, answer deeply personal questions, and we write everything down. The notes are 100% confidential and definitely will never be used against you if you try to leave. Pinky promise.

Ready to Hand Over Your Life Savings?

Our dedicated team of Operating Spiritrons is standing by to welcome you to Scientologys.
Contact our Glorious Founder directly — he's very responsive for a guy who died in 1986.

LRHUBARD@gmail.com

Response times may vary. Please include your bank account details, full legal name, address, and net worth in your first email. This is standard procedure.